PokeCrack
by Mr.CuriosityBunny
Summary: [Pokemon Parody] Pokemon makes you wonder. Seventh episode. Ash finds out that Pokemon can talk. Rated M because I tend to get out of hand with this particular crack piece.
1. PokeCrack

_Hello,_

 _This story was originally posted under the user name Magnetic Cheese. The account belonged to an acquaintance, and I have finally gotten around to posting them under my own account name._

 _If this piece seems familiar to you, this would be the reason why._

 _I hope you enjoy these written words._

* * *

 ** _Yo, what's up with Brock's eyes?_**

.

 _Pokemon!_ _  
_ _Gotta Catch 'em all_ _  
_ _My heart so true!_ _  
_ _Our courage will pull us through_ _  
_ _You teach me and I'll teach you_ _  
_ _Pokeeemonnn_ _  
_ _Gotta Catch 'em all_ _  
_ _Pokemon!_

"Alright Pikachu! Another great battle, and a wicked ass cheap piece of metal they call a Gym Badge, won!"

 _"Peek-peek-pikachuuuuuuuuuuu!"_

Ash and Pikachu continued to cheer and cheer like the ten year old dude and 0.00001 ft Pokemon losers they were. Hmmm…maybe we should start off with a character description, shall we? AHEM!

Ass Ketchup was a ten year old kid who absolutely loved—

* * *

Wait, hold on a minute…wait, what?

...Oh! I just got a call from my editor. My apologies, apparently his name is _Ash Ketchum_ , not Ass Ketchup…once again, my apologies. Anyways, _Ash Ketchum_ was a (insert his actual age here, because I seriously don't know how old the damn twerp is) kid who loved all things Pokemon. He owned Pokemon, he bathed with Pokemon, he slept with Pokemon, and he even ate Pokemon for breakfast.

…

Wait…the hell? Ash is a…Pokecannibal?!

…Ah, whatever.

* * *

Anyways, it has always been Ash's dream to travel Cantaloupe—er, sorry, **Kanto** —to become a Pokemon Master. Along his journey he fought vigorously in battles and collected cheap, shiny metal pins called Gym Badges. Along the way he also picked up a few more Pokemon, a fifteen year old hoe bag, and some horny kid who couldn't open his eyes. His name was Brock.

Ash sometimes stayed up late and stared at Brock while he slept, wondering what the hell was up with his eyes…which were closed twenty-four seven.

"How does he even see?" Ash whispered quietly, staring intensely at Brock's snoring figure.

* * *

…Umm…don't ask me how Ash got from winning a Gym battle to staring at Brock while he was sleeping. I really don't know.

 **ANYWAYS!**

* * *

Ash was stumped as to why Brock never opened his eyes. Didn't he need to open them to see where he was going? _…How does Brock even know where he's going?!_

"I need to figure this out!" Determination set, Ash crawled over to Brock, reached out and grabbed his eyelids. Counting to three, he pulled upwards and…

Brock woke up screaming.

 **"AHHHH! OMFG, WTF, STFU, NO WAY! THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"**

Ash scrambled back in panic and stared at the blood trickling down from Brock's closed eyes. "I…I…I didn't know they… **OMG**!"

More screaming happened…I think Ash threw up, Brock howled in pain, Pikachu ran into a tree…bunch of other stuff happened too. And then, more stuff happened…fast forward.

* * *

Brock sat down and fiddled with the gauze wrapped around his eyes wearily. Ash continued to stare. "I guess you're probably wondering why my eyes are always shut, huh?"

Ash stared some more. "Yeah, kinda."

Brock sighed. "Well, when I was a kid…I got into an accident…involving glue…"

Ash stared. "Did you crazy glue your eyes shut to make yourself look more Asian?"

"…Yeah, basically…"

It was quiet for a few minutes until Ash started laughing hysterically.

 **"OMFG, YOU STUPID FAG, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"** He continued _rotflhao_. Brock sniffed pathetically.

"Stupid mofo…"

* * *

 _Have you ever wondered about something you've seen in any of the episodes of Pokemon? If you have, leave your thoughts in your review, and I'll write a chapter based on it and dedicate it to you!_

 _Anyways..._

 _Next Chapter!_

 _Yo, why does Ash have Z's on his face?_

 _As always, I thank you for reading my work._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Mr. Curiosity Bunny_


	2. PokeCrack 2

_Please excuse the craziness and try to enjoy these written words._

* * *

 _Yo, why does Ash ahve Z's on his face?_

.

 _Pokemon!  
Gotta Catch 'em all  
Ohh, you're my best friend  
In a world we must defend  
Pokemon!_

 **Lyke, okiez, hur we r with lyke, Ash and w/e, and his pokemonz, and lyke, another adventure 2 go du stuffz, and lyke, u noe—**

 _Oy._

 **Lyke wut?**

… _The hell are you?_

 **Zomg, I'm lyke, da naritor dood. Lyke srsly.**

… _What happened to the other dood? You know, "lyke, the dood dat was soooo much better at his job den u r?" The hell did he go?_

 **Lyke, iono, but it don't matterz cuz lyke, I'm better, ightz?**

… _Security._

 **Wat? w8, noe, u can't do dis—**

Security comes along and takes the annoyingly squeaky impostor away. More screaming can be heard from the background, but lyke, hu cares, rite?

 _Anywayssssss, I apologize for that…_ _ **that**_ _. I seriously don't know how she managed to breach security and get onto the set. It won't happen again, right boys?_

A group of ripped men dressed in tight black shirts all nod in unison.

"Right!"

 _Now, it looks like I'm going to have to fill in for the narrator dood in his…mysterious absence. We'll check into that later on. But for now, let's check in with the twerp. In the last episode we left off with Ash discovering the mystery that is Brock. Now it looks like Brock and Misty are going to discover the mystery that is Ash…_

* * *

Chibix (the author's inspiration) turns to the author. "Hey…where did Misty come from?"

The author turns to Chibix. "What're you talking about? Misty's always been here…"

"But…in the last episode…she wasn't—…"

The author glares menacingly. "Misty's…always…been…here."

"Eeep."

The author pats Chibix on the head before continuing to type away at her keyboard.

* * *

"So guys, what do you want to do today?" Ash asked excitedly, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Don't you want to be a _Pokemon Master_ , Ash?" Misty asked curiously.

"Of course I do!"

"Then…shouldn't we be travelling all over _Kanto_?"

"Well, duh!"

Silence.

"And you're asking us stupid questions…why?"

Ash opened his mouth excitedly to reply, but then deflated, realizing that he had indeed asked a stupid question. With a sigh, he bent down and scooped up Pikachu into his arms, heading off in a random direction hoping to come a cross some bizarre town with a Gym Leader. Ash walked on ahead of the group, while Misty and Brock fell behind for privacy.

"Stupid skank carrot head…always making me look bad in front of ma crew. That's right bish, dis is **ma** crew. Don't go disrespectin' me like I'm some foo'. Bish needs to learn her place…"

Misty and Brock watched on as Ash mumbled and complained quietly to himself. They continued to watch him do so for a few more minutes before turning to each other.

"He's such a haterz."

Brock nodded in agreement. "Srsly."

…

 _Boink_

"Owwwie…" Ash rubbed the back of his head painfully, glaring at both Brock and Misty. "What was that for?!"

"Don't be hatinz."

Ash pouted. "Didn't have to throw a rock at me…"

"Whateeeeeeev."

* * *

… _Umm…_ _ **anyways**_ _, Ash and the gang continued to travel for quite some time, stopping to take a break only when needed. Like now for example…_

* * *

"Whoo, that was one tough battle, huh Pikachu?"

 _"Peeeekachuuuuuuuuu!"_

"Yeah, it sure was!" Ash laughed along side with Pikachu…who sort of just went…I don't know _peek peek peek_ or something to that extent…I guess that would be classified as Pokelaughing…right? Well whatever.

"Ash…you're opponent was four."

"Yeah, and man could that kid put up quite the battle!"

"He was four Ash…he couldn't command his Pokemon because he couldn't eve talk."

"I know! That's what made it so hard! I didn't even know what attack to expect…I think his Pokemon was a psychic type!"

"…He battled with a Poke egg."

"Yeah…well…shuddup Misty!"

"Whatever Ash…idiot."

Brock sighed. Those two fought like an old married couple sometimes. "Will you two knock it off already? You're giving me a headache. Now go wash up Ash, you got some dirt on your face."

"Huh?" Ash looked down at his reflection in the small pond they were resting by. He rubbed his faced in confusion. "What're you talking about Brock…there's nothing on my face."

"Yes there is," Misty pointed at Ash. "Right on both of your cheeks. You know, those two dirt stains that look like Z's? You must have never washed your face…they've been there since I first met you!"

Ash's face flamed up in embarrassment. He self-consciously rubbed his cheeks, glaring daggers at both of his friends. "They're…they're not dirt marks!"

"Oh?" Brock walked over to Ash, grabbing his hands away and closely inspecting the younger boys' face. "Then what are they? I've always wondered."

Misty leaned in closer as well. "Me too! What are they Ash?"

Ash gulped. He knew he could never truly escape them…they were bound to start wondering at some point. It looked like he was just going to have to face the music. It was time to come clean.

"Well…wh-when I was a kid—"

"You still are a kid."

Ash glared. "Okay, when I was a baby—"

"You still are—"Brock covered Misty mouth, nodding for Ash to continue.

"Right…when I was a baby…I…well, let's just say I had a little bit of a weight problem…"

Silence.

"Wait…are you saying…"

"Those are _stretch marks?!_ "

More silence. As nodded his head…silently. Therefore making it even _more_ silent then before…and…well, you get the point. Anyways…

"You have…stretch marks…on your cheeks?"

Ash, once again, nodded.

…

 **"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU FATTY PATTY! LOOK AT YOUR STRETCH MARKS HAHAHAHAHAHA OMFG SO HILARIOUS!"**

Brock and Misty continued to laugh and point at Ash.

And Ash?

He died a little inside.

* * *

 _Have you ever wondered about something you've seen in any of the episodes of Pokemon? If you have, leave your thoughts in your review, and I'll write a chapter based on it and dedicate it to you!_

 _Anyways..._

 _Next Chapter!_

 _Yo, why doesn't Team Rocket ever just finish the job?_

 _As always, I thank you for reading my work._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Mr. Curiosity Bunny_


	3. PokeCrack 3

_I tend to get carried away in my madness._

 _Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to SapphireXSerpent. Thank you for your PokeWonderment_

 _I hope you manage to enjoy these written words_

* * *

 _Yo, why doesn't Team Rocket just shoot 'em?_

 _ **To the Reader to whom this letter concerns,**_

 _I regret to inform you that the original narrator of Pokemon is…MIA. For those of you who aren't super cool, and therefore have no idea as to the meaning of this acronym, it signifies "missing in action." Indeed, unfortunately, the narrator is missing in action. It is our belief that the government has finally realized that we have been reimbursing the narrator to incorporate subliminal messages into the beginnings of each episode so that our viewers will develop an immense addiction to PokeCrack._

 _So far this theory has not been confirmed. Until we have any further news pertaining to the whereabouts of said narrator, I shall supersede his place as narrator. We hope to keep you apprised with further information._

 _We appreciate your cooperation._

* * *

Here we find our gang enjoying a nice and peaceful break from all the stress of battling hardcore Gym Leaders, and running around all of freaking Kanto attempting to catch rare Pokemon that in all actuality are a real bitch to catch in all the Pokemon games…

Yes, I _am_ going to start ranting now.

Ash makes it look so damn easy to catch rare Pokemon, and innocent, naive PokeFans actually believe that it'll be that easy to catch the same rare Pokemon in their game versions. But you know what, it's not. You're forced to travel through Ice Caves, and Dark Caves, and Diglette's Caves, and Volcano Base Caves, and Power Plant Caves, and Moon Caves, and Rock Caves, and a billion other different caves, all for what? A Pokemon you can't even catch because they only provide you with one Master Ball!?

And what's with that whole "One Master Ball Rule" anyways? Can't they be a little more understanding and considerate? Like seriously guys, how the hell do you expect us to capture an Articuno and a Moltres and a Zapdos and a Mewtwo with only one Master Ball? And don't even get me started with Pokemon Safire, Ruby, and Leaf Green.

Anyways, as I was saying, it's really not that easy to capture rare Pokemon! You can't just make friends with them and expect them to just climb right into your PokeBall…apparently only Ash Ketchum can do that. Hmph. We actually work our asses of to get our Pokemon up to, like, level one thousand just so that we can get one meager hit in on Mewtwo, only to find out that he's a damn Pokemon of freaking steel and hey look, he's got healing abilities!

 **WTF.**

And further more—

 _ **"Ahem."**_ Producer stares menacingly down at the author.

Oh snap…umm…where was I? Oh, aheh, yes, the twerps. I-I mean, the gang! Umm, enjoying their break and such…and…I dunno…playing with their Pokemon. Blehhhh, this is boring.

* * *

"I've got it! With my brilliant and intelligent mind, I've finally created to perfect plan for stealing Pikachu from that little twerp!"

"Umm, Jesse? You come up with most of all our plans…"

"Well, I certainly can't leave the planning to you, now can I?"

"…All I'm saying is that…if you're so brilliant and intelligent…how come most of our plans fail and we end up blasting off again?"

Jesse glared menacingly at James, hell quite literally burning in her icy blue eyes…eyes that James just couldn't help but staring into all day long…wishing and hoping and desiring…

But that's another story all together. Back to reality.

"Aheh…heh…heh…not that there's anything _wrong_ with blasting away again and again! In fact, I l _ove_ blasting off again! I think everyone _should_ blast off again! They should make it illegal _not to_ blast off again!"

Jesse and Meowth stared at James blankly.

"…I defiantly can't leave the planning to you, James."

Meowth nodded in agreement. "It would be suicidal."

James pouted. "You guys think so lowly of me! That's it, let's make a deal."

Jesse perked up at this. "A deal you say? What kind of deal?"

"How about this," James put on his most serious face. It was so serious that it made Jesse want to rip off her top to see if James would actually take notice. It was so serious it made Meowth want to go over there and just go crazy on James' leg, just to see if he would scream. It was so serious, that it made the Author want to grab James and have her way with him just…well, just because she was the Author, and therefore had the power to do so. Buwahahahaha…but anyways.

The point is, is that James' face was pretty damn serious. Now let's continue.

"How about this, if we go through with your plan and we end up blasting of again, then we have to try my plan." James stated with conviction of the fact that Jesse's plan would fail, like it always did.

Jesse stared down James with a critical eye. "Plan? What plan? You don't even have a plan!"

James smirked. "Oh, don't you worry your pretty little head about that…"

Oh, but Jesse did worry…and so did Meowth. But they refrained from saying anything, and instead, started their journey on finding the twerps.

* * *

 **"Team Rocket is blasting off againnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn…"**

After blasting off once again, Team Rocket landed somewhere in the bushes, somehow still relatively close to the twerps, because it was the Author's will for them to be so, because it makes this chapter so much easier. ANYWAYS!

"Uhgg…almost broke my spine that time…" Jesse winced, rubbing her aching back wearily. She daintily got up and rubbed the dirt from her clothes and picked the twigs out of her ruby hair. Meowth hissed and whined as he licked at his fur in an attempt to clean himself. James dusted himself off in a very dignified matter…which was very unlike James, but it looked super hot, so the Author made him do it.

Jesse's eyes met James' and she huffed in defeat, turning away from him with a pout. In that second, James knew that he had finally won.

"Fine, I suppose we can try going through with your plan. But if you screw up—and I know you will—then so help me James, I'm going to—"

 **"Iloveyou."**

"—rip your hair out and, wait what?"

"…Nothing."

There was an awkward pause of silence for a few moments.

Moment

Moment

Moment

Okay, moments done.

"Well, let's go put my plan to action!"

James walked off confidently, and Jesse followed him in a daze.

* * *

 **FAST FORWARD TO JAMES' PLAN PUT INTO ACTION**

* * *

"Oh no, not again!" Ash cried out at the sight of Team Rocket, back again with another crappy attempt at stealing Pikachu. Really, he didn't know why they bothered. All they did was get their asses blasted off again…

"Does this mean we have to listen to their theme song again?" Misty whined.

Brock sighed as he watched Team Rocket get into position. "Looks like it."

"Ahem!" Jesse cleared her throat loudly, gaining the attention of all the twerps. "Prepare for trouble—"

James stepped in and took his cue. "—And make it double."

"To protect the world from devastation—"

"—To unite all evils within our nation."

"To denounce the evils of truth and love—"

"—To extend our reach to the stars above."

Jesse grinned seductively, her eyes twinkling with lust. "Jesse."

James smirked mockingly, flipping his hair back with a sensual flick of his wrist. "James."

"Team Rocket, blasting off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now or prepare to— **EVERYONE PUT THEIR HANDS UP AND GET ON THE GROUND!"**

Silence.

 **"NOW!"**

Somewhere along the lines of James' part of the theme song, he had whipped out a handgun from his pocket and pointed it right in Ash's face, ready to unload at the slightest move. Everyone immediately hit the floor at James' second command, gaping up at him in terror.

Jesse couldn't help but do the same.

"James! What the hell are you doing?!"

Said Rocket member turned towards her, giving her the most bloodthirsty look she had ever seen. "What am I doing? I'm about to blow this joint down in a second if I don't get that fucking yellow rat is what I'm doing!"

Jesse gaped even more. "But…but this isn't the way we're supposed to do things!"

James scowled darkly. "Oh give it a rest Jesse. Surely you don't expect us to just keep losing and then go 'omg well crap I'm just gonna stand here when I could kill you with my bare hands or a with a gun okz? lol plzkthxbai.' That's not how we should be operating!"

Ash wearily lifted himself off of the ground, putting his hands out in front of him in a calming manner. "Hey man…just calm…we can work this out—"

 **"I SAID GET DOWN!"**

James pulled the trigger on Ash, Misty's blood curdling scream was heard from all around Kanto, Brock pissed his pants and then proceeded to faint, Jesse flung herself at James, and James continued to fire blindly…

* * *

The Author stared horrified at what she had created. So in order to keep her job and not get angry letters from parents, she created a time machine, used it to go back in time, and instead of James whipping out a gun…the Author made him whip out a candy bar, which he then tried to use to lure Pikachu into a cage, obviously failing and thus blasting off again.

And that's why Team Rocket never shoots the twerps. It would be too much of a legal hassle for the Author.

* * *

 _Have you ever wondered about something you've seen in any of the episodes of Pokemon? If you have, leave your thoughts in your review, and I'll write a chapter based on it and dedicate it to you!_

 _Anyways..._

 _Next Chapter!_

 _Yo, why is Misty's hair longer when it's down than when it's up?_

 _As always, I thank you for reading my work._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Mr. Curiosity Bunny_


	4. PokeCrack 4

_Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to hamhamhaha. Thank you for the truly odd PokeWonderment._

 _I hope you enjoy these written words._

* * *

 **** _Yo, wtf...Misty? **  
**_ **.**

 _Pokemon!  
Gotta catch 'em all_

"Ahh…that's nice…" Misty sighed in satisfaction as she lowered herself slowly into the hot springs. Is there even hot springs in the show? Like…natural ones? …Ah well, there are now!

 **Anyways!**

It had been a very long and stressful day for the Kanto travellers, and Misty thought she deserved the nice treat for herself.

"Hey Misty…you okay back there?" A voice shouted from a distance.

"I'm fine!" She hollered back in agitation.

"…You sure?"

"Yes!"

"…Then what's with all the moaning?"

Misty's face flamed up in embarrassment. "My body aches, and the water feels nice, that's all!"

"…You sure that's why you were moaning?"

" **ASH**!" She immediately heard some rustling as though someone had quickly scattered away. ' _God, what a pervert…and he's only ten! Ugh…'_ she thought to herself.

Oh wait…what? Ash is actually twenty?

…How long has this show been airing for?

…Seriously? OMG.

* * *

Ummm…fellow readers, I have just been informed that this show has been airing for over ten years so far, and that technically makes Ash Ketchum a twenty year old virgi—er, _Pokemon trainer_. However, due to certain complications at birth, he has an irregular spinal structure, and thus will never grow taller than like…four feet.

Damn that kid is short; haven't you ever noticed? Oh, and apparently, because of his spinal structure, his throat is also irregular. Apparently it looks like a squiggly line on the X-rays the doctors took at birth. And so, he is doomed to forever sound like a five year old with something stuck in his throat, which hasn't gone through puberty yet.

Ever noticed how he's had that awkwardly raspy voice? Isn't it kind of creepy? He could sound like a pedophile if he really tried…

I just realized that Ash doesn't have an Adam's apple… **what's up with that, eh?!**

Anywho…where am I even going with this episode? Hahahaha…I'm sorry, but my reviewer gave me the most awkward question about PokeCrack ever, and unfortunately, she didn't realize what she was asking until I replied to her review in total confusion. So yeah…umm…I'm just going to improvise. Time to wing this shit!

* * *

 **FAST FORWARD TO WHEN MISTY FINISHES BATHING**

I don't even know why I made her start out in the hot springs, what is even going on anymore.

* * *

Ash looked up in interest when he heard footsteps approaching their campsite. What he saw nearly made him scream in terror.

" **OMFG, BROCK! WAKE UP…** **IMPOSTOR**!" He screamed as he pointed at Misty in fear. Misty looked at him in the utmost confusion.

"Eh? What're you talking about Ash? It's me, Misty!"

Ash backed away in fear. "You can't fool me! Misty's hair is all short and cute…and like…to the side and crap." Misty stared at Ash, who fidgeted in return. "And…ummm…. _ **your**_ hair is **long**!"

There was silence throughout the campsite.

"Ash," Brock sighed in annoyance. "Lay off the pokecrack."

"God, you're such a pokecrack whore, Ash." Misty rolled her eyes.

Ash ignored them both in favour of throwing pokeballs around randomly.

"Guys, come help me out! The theme song says I gotta catch 'em all! **OBEY THE THEME SONG…POKEBALL GO**!" He shouted as he continued randomly throwing pokeballs around the forest.

Misty and Brock shared a look.

"I'll get the tranquillizers…"

" **POKEBALL GO**!"

They both sighed in unison.

* * *

 _Have you ever wondered about something you've seen in any of the episodes of Pokemon? If you have, leave your thoughts in your review, and I'll write a chapter based on it and dedicate it to you!_

 _Anyways..._

 _Next Chapter!_

 _Yo, wtf is up with all the Officer Jenny mofos?_

 _As always, I thank you for reading my work._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Mr. Curiosity Bunny_


	5. PokeCrack 5

_I enjoyed writing this piece immensely._

 _Dedication:This chapter is dedicated to an Anonymous Reviewer. I thank you for this PokeWonderment_

 _I hope you enjoy these written words_

* * *

 _Yo, wtf is up with all the Officer Jenny Mofos?_

 _To the Reader to whom this letter concerns,_

 _It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that we have yet to locate the whereabouts of our very dear Narrator. However, we have received a great amount of anonymous letters, phone calls, e-mails, and video tapes stating that our Narrator is located in three different locations: Russia, YourMomsHouse, and the Bermuda Triangle. After much research, we have deducted that two of the following three locations were merely a prank and a waste of time._

 _...Investigators are on their way towards the Bermuda Triangle at this moment, in hopes of finding our dear Narrator. As always, I shall gladly keep you updated on any further information I will surely receive._

 _Again, we appreciate both your cooperation as well as your concern._

* * *

After the gang had successfully managed to subdue Ash with an extreme amount of tranquilizers, they decided it best to call it a night so that they may have a fresh start in the morning to once again begin their journey in search of Ash's real father...

* * *

Ah...wait a moment. I've just been informed that I'm a little ahead of schedule. So...this isn't the episode of which Ash finds out who his real father was? Eh...I've been looking forward for the longest damn time to do that piece! Sigh...well then, what the hell is this episode about? Huh? Officer Jenny, you say? Ah...right, right. Okay, I guess I can do this one...meh, whatever.

* * *

So, anyways...they gang call it a night so that they may have a fresh start in the morning to once again begin their journey in hopes of Ash becoming a true Pokemon Master.

...Does anyone else agree that Ash needs to wake up and get a real fucking job? Like, holy fuck, Ash! Becoming a Pokemon Master won't fucking pay the bills or feed the kids! Your wife—if you don't actually turn out to be completely homosexual and actually get one—is going to fucking drop your ass in a second if you can't support her. How do you plan on doing that by becoming a Pokemon Master, hmm? It's the equivalent of being a fucking hobo—isn't not a real fucking profession. Damn it, Ash, grow up. Ugh.

* * *

"Oh man, guys, I am totally pumped! I just know that today's the day I'm going to finally fulfill my dream of becoming a Pokemon Master!"

"...stfu, Ash. You say that every day, and it's really starting to get on my nerves."

"Oh, step off it, Misty. You're just jealous because that Snorlax we passed by had bigger tits then you do."

"...oh hell no."

Brock sighed in exaggeration, as he always does when Ash and Misty start to bicker, because he thinks he's so damn mature, even though he's nearly eighteen and still hangs out with a bunch of ten year old kids...can we say pedophile?

"Whatchu gonna do, bitch, whatchu gonna do?!"

"I swear to god, Ash, Imma mess you up so damn badly, your mom's gonna be feeling it!

All of a sudden...

"DON'T CHU BE TALKIN' 'BOUT MAH MAMA THAT WAY, SKINNY WHITE BITCH!"

SLAP!

And then the shit hit the fan.

"PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, RIGHT NOW."

Ash jerked his head to the side in panic, and immediately raised his arms high above his head as he found himself staring into the barrel of Officer Jenny's loaded gun. Brock was left breathless, and couldn't help but drool over Officer Jenny's luscious figure. His eyes roamed over her busty chest, and her long, creamy legs; legs that seemed to go on for days.

"God, Officer Jenny is such a babe..." he whispered hypnotically. But, as always, no one paid any attention to the pedophile that was Brock.

"O-o-officer Jenny!" Ashe stuttered out in gripping fear, "There's absolutely nothing to see here, aheh, you can move along...everything's perfectly fine..."

"Who do you think you are, hitting a defenceless girl like that? You do realize that this is an offence punishable by law! You're just lucky you're still a minor..."

Ash gulped nervously, backing away from the gun that was still pointed, and very much loaded, at his face. He looked over at Misty, and winced sympathetically at the red handprint that was quickly starting to appear on her cheek. She glared at him in return, her cerulean eyes burning with a new found hatred.

"You are coming with me. We're going down to the police station so that we could find some way to deal with your actions."

Ash, out of pure panic, whipped out one of his pokeballs from his poke-utility belt (which is very much a rip off of Batman's awesome utility belt) and shouted out an intense battle cry.

"Squirtle, go! Water gun attack!"

There was a loud 'pop' noise (or however the hell that sound pokeballs make when a Pokemon is being released from them...it sounds really cool though. I wish I could imitate that awesome sound...) as Ash's Squirtle was released.

"Squirtle, squirt!"

And suddenly, as Ash had commanded, it unleashed a high pressure water current from within it mouth, directly right at Officer Jenny, who gasped in surprised shock. When Squirtle had finally let up on the vicious water gun attack, our gang stared at the remains of Officer Jenny.

"Omg..."

"...Wtf...?"

"...Holy shit."

A cold silence fell upon the group as they gazed at what seemed to be a malfunctioning Officer Jenny. They continued to stare at her...uh...it, until one of them had finally found their voice to comment.

"Is she...short circuiting?" Misty asked in morbid fascination.

It took but a second for them to fully realize the implications of Misty's statement.

"HOLY FUCK, OFFICER JENNY IS A CYBORG!"

And then shit really got weird.

* * *

Far, far away, in some underground basement, located at another one of Team Rocket's secret hideout bases, Giovanni sat in a high chair, observing the screen in front of him. He glared as he witnessed the water gun attack flying towards Officer Jenny through her very eyes, grunting in frustration as the screen showed static white before it went black.

"Those brats and their troublesome Pokemon..." Giovanni stood up from his chair in a business like fashion, turning on the heels of his pricey, black dress shoes, and heading towards a metal sliding door. Upon entering his super secret pass code on a keypad to the left of him, the door swiftly opened, revealing a lounge type of room.

Ahead of him, to the back of a room, there was a small martini bar, the shelves aligned with expensive looking bottles of alcohol. To the right, there was a large plasma screen television, built into the wall, with cushioned chairs and a sofa in front of it. And to the left, there was a round, circular bed, covered in a jaguar print.

Giovanni immediately headed towards the bed, making himself comfortable as he picked up a remote control from on top of the small bedside table to his right. With the click of a triangular green button, he laid back and relaxed as two women slid from out of nowhere into the bed on either side of him.

"It seems we have lost Officer Jenny 07869 (LOL69AMIRITE?) to an unfortunate...water accident." Giovanni sighed, letting his eyes slide shut.

"Oh no..." The two women replied in unison, stroking random parts of Giovanni's body as they did so.

"Yes, very unfortunate indeed," he purred as they continued with their sensual ministrations, "It's a damn good thing I created multiple copies of you...I'll get another copy to spy on those pesky twerps—you Officer Jenny's are all so easily replaceable.

"But Giovanni..." Officer Jenny started.

"Officer Jenny 07869 (LOL69AMIRITE STILL?) was able to do that one thing with her back..." the other Officer Jenny continued.

"That you liked ever so much." Officer Jenny finished.

Giovanni sighed in pleasure, gazing up at the two Officer Jenny's before him. "That's alright," he smirked, "I'll just program one of you two to be able to perform...that."

The two Officer Jenny's giggled in unison as they both reached for Giovanni's belt buckle...

'Ah yes...creating cyborgs of the real Officer Jenny was the greatest idea I've ever had...' was Giovanni's last coherent thought as he was thrown into a world of utter bliss.

* * *

"Do you think that all the Officer Jenny's are robots?" Ash asked, poking at random wires sticking out of the Robot's head.

"I dunno," Misty shrugged, staying as far away as possible from the still twitching robot Jenny, "but it's really super freaky, if you think about it...who would create a bunch of robot Officer Jenny's?"

"Hmm..." Brock stroked his chin in a pedophile fashion, "my guess is that someone wanted to use Officer Jenny as a sort of...hidden camera, to spy on everything that's going on in every town...either that, or create an army of Officer Jenny sex slaves."

There was silence among the group for a moment.

SLAP!

"WTF WAS THAT FOR?"

"Bitch almost got me arrested." Ash stated, walking away while leaving Misty to rub her other reddening cheek as she glared.

* * *

 _Have you ever wondered about something you've seen in any of the episodes of Pokemon? If you have, leave your thoughts in your review, and I'll write a chapter based on it and dedicate it to you!_

 _Anyways..._

 _Next Chapter!_

 _Yo, who the hell was Ash's father?_

 _As always, I thank you for reading my work._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Mr. Curiosity Bunny_


	6. PokeCrack 6

_Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to Red One1223. Thank you greatly for you PokeWonderment._

 _I hope you enjoy...whatever this is._

* * *

 _Yo, who the hell was Ash's father?_

 _To the many or few Readers to whom this letter may or may not concern,_

 _After a thorough search throughout the Bermuda Triangle, my secret OPS staff and I have yet to locate our most precious narrator. We have searched just about every cave—ice, rock, dark, ground, diglette, etc—possible in this region. We are now expanding our search to the many other regions that have recently been discovered…like the Joehn or whatever and shit._

 _Ugh, can't we just claim him as legally dead now? I mean, it's no biggie or anything; we can get a new guy. Hell, I can be the narrator for all you care. Why do you guys need HIM? This is so lame; not to mention a total waste of military staff._

… _I'm sorry? What was that?_

… _No way. No fucking way. What the hell you guys._

 _Sigh. So it has just come to my attention that Team Rocket is behind the disappearance of our narrator. How; well, don't ask me—I don't have a clue. I mean, they fail at everything, so how did they get the narrator guy? Ugh, whatever. I think Ash is going to find his father today, and that's way more interesting._

… _Well? Read the fucking chapter, idiots. God._

* * *

"Okay, honestly Ash…you be trippin'. And I think it's been going on for far too long—"

"BOY BE TRIPPIN' BALLS!"

"—Yes Brock, thank you for your input…wait…what?"

"…Pokeballs."

"Anywayssssssss…"

"YOU KNOW WHAT, MISTY," Ash whipped himself around, staring up at the trampy gym leader; "YOU…need to back off, okay. I'm sick and tired of your constant back-talking, and I'm not gonna sit here and take it anymore. DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS?"

"…No. Do you?"

Silence.

"AHAHHAHAHAHA, ASH DOESN'T KNOW WHO HIS DADDY IS! AHAHHAHAH WHAT A FAGGOT!"

"Shut the hell up, Brock," Ash whimpered softly, "So what if I don't know who he is…at least I HAVE a father!"

"Uh, Ash," Misty frowned, "We have fathers too, you dumbass."

"…Bitch, WHAT did I JUST SAY about your BACK-TALKING ME?"

"Ugh, whatever, Ash," Misty brushed passed the anger-management boy, nose held high. She attempted to flick her hair back, but then realized that she didn't really have long enough hair to do so, especially since hers was in a nasty side ponytail, so she just flicked air and failed hardcore. But she still knew who her unimportant-to-this-series-father was, so it was alright for her to fail sometimes. "Yeah, at least I know who my unimportant-to-this-series-father was…unlike you. For all you know, your father could be Professor Oak."

"GASP!" Ash stumbled back into Brock from the impact of his surprised/hurt/thoughtful/confused/possibly true/indignant gasp. "How DARE you say such things! Professor Oak is not my father! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE."

"Well," Brock pushed Ash away from him with a skeptical look, "I mean…every time you video phone you mom back in Pallet Town…Professor Oak ALWAYS seems to be there…"

Ash paused for a second, realizing that what Brock was saying was true. However…

"No, I refuse to believe that there is even a slightest possibly that Professor Oak could be my father!"

"…Either him or Mr. Mime."

"STFU!"

* * *

 _I actually grow bored of this chapter. I had so much planned for it but…well, I guess this is the price I pay for taking so long to update. BLAH BLAH BLAH WAH WAH WAH. Alright, whatever. I'll man up and finish the chapter. HOWEVER, I AM FAST FORWARDING THIS CHAPTER TO WHEN, UH, THE GANG REACHES SOME TOWN WHERE THERE IS A POKECENTRE SO THAT ASH CAN VIDEO CALL HIM MOMMY AND ASK WHO HIS DADDY WAS. KAYTHXBAI._

* * *

After much fright and near death experiences, the gang finally reaches the town of Lavender…Town.

"UGH, WHAT IS THAT?" Misty moaned in agony.

"IT'S…IT'S…IT'S SOME SORT OF BRAINWASHING AIRWAVES!" Brock shouted in pain, covering his ears and falling to his knees.

Ash looked around in confusion, wondering what Misty and Brock were even going on about. Yeah, he'll admit that the background music of this city was a bit annoying, but not as annoying as the background music for Viridian City…

* * *

 ***FLASHBACK***

"Hey, guys, I think I see the next city coming up soon!"

"Wait," Brock stopped in his track with a contemplative look on his face, "Isn't the next city on this route…"

 _"On the road, on the road..."_

Ash backed up in horror, shaking his head from side to side. "No…no, please…no, stay back…no, don't…don't!"

 _"On the road, on the road…"_

"Ash, lookout!" Misty cried…but it was too late…

 _ **"YOU'RE ON THE ROAD TO VIRIDIAN CITY. MEET YOUR FRIENDS ALONG THE WAY. YOU'RE ON THE ROAD TO VIRIDIAN CITY. YOU GOT A BADGE AND THE POWER TO PLAY."**_

"Ash, run for it!" Brock yelled, cutting in through the forest route.

"Ash, what're you doing, run faster you idiot!" Misty cried, high tailing it in front of the slower boy.

"BITCH I ONLY GOT TWO LEGS."

 _ **"YOU'RE ON THE ROAD TO VIRIDIAN CITY."**_

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo!"

 ***END FLASHBACK***

* * *

Ash shuddered violently—yup, there's nothing as dreadful as passing through Viridian City. Ignoring his stupid friends who were helplessly squirming on the floor and yelling in supposed agony, Ash strode purposefully towards the Pokecentre, in which a strangely, ghostly pale Nurse Joy greeted him with a ghastly smile (LOL GASTLY, GHASTLY; GET IT?).

"Hellooooooo..." She greeted him in a highly creepy fashion.

"…Hellooooooo…" Ash greeted back, an impatient frown on his face.

"Welcome tooooo…Lavender Tooooow—"

"I NEED TO USE THE PHONE."

" _AHHHHHH_."

…poof.

" _HEHEHEHEHHE…"_

"…Fucking ghost pokemon…" Ash grumbled, watching the giggling Haunter float through a wall. Walking to the opposite side of the pokecentre, he quickly located the call phone…box…thingy. Yeah, anyways. He speed dialed his mom.

" _WHO'S YOUR DADDY?_

"..What?" Ash replied, seeing nothing but static on the screen.

" _I SAID WHO'S YOUR DADDY?"_

"...What?" Ash continued blankly," Mom, I—"

" _ **WHO'S YOUR DADDY.**_ "

"I DUNNO, I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD TELL ME."

Just then the static cleared…much to the dismay of Ash and his poorly abused eyesight. There was silence from the other two occupants on the other end of the video call.

" _Ash, sweetie, there's something I should probably tell you—"_

"OMFG PROFESSOR OAK IS MY DADDY."

"So," Ash leveled his mother with a careful look, refusing to let his eyes shift over towards a very shameful Professor Oak, "You're telling me that my father…was some guy…who could turn into a monkey…who went around the world…fighting evil androids and aliens…and had some green bald guy as a friend…all for the sake of collecting a dragon's seven balls?"

"…More or less."

"…Wtf mom. Honestly."

"Your father was a great man…in many, _many_ ways."

Ash swallowed his vomit with a shudder.

"Wait," Brock piped up, "What's Professor Oak got to do with all of this, then?"

Silence.

"…Mom…"

"Well, your father left to go save the world and I got a bit lonely, and Professor Oak here had a lot of spare time on his—"

"God mom, can you just…not be a whore? Do you know how this makes me look now? And really, did it HAVE to be Professor Oak?"

"…Well, Mr. Mime was just no fun."

"…AHAHHAHAHA ASH, YOUR DAD'S A MONKEYFAG AND YOUR MOM'S A POKEPHILE!"

Ash couldn't hold back the vomit any longer.

* * *

 _Have you ever wondered about something you've seen in any of the episodes of Pokemon? If you have, leave your thoughts in your review, and I'll write a chapter based on it and dedicate it to you!_

 _And yeah..._

 _Next Chapter!_

 _Yo, Pokemon can talk...but can only say their own names? WTF IS UP WITH THAT?_

 _As always, I thank you for reading my work._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Mr. Curiosity Bunny_


	7. PokeCrack 7

_Dedication: Anonymous Reviewer Wombat_

 _Jesus, take the goddamn wheel._

* * *

 _Yo, Pokemon Can Talk?_

 _To the many or few Readers to whom this letter may or may not concern,_

 _I have just received important Intel from my military OPS team; apparently Team Rocket is attempting to negotiate with us. How cute! Unfortunately, the members of Team Rocket have been known for their serious lack of intelligence in the past…_

 _Let's take a look at their terms for negotiation, shall we?_

* * *

 _HeY yOu,_

 _We WaNtS a BaJiLlIoN pOe-KeY-mAnS, oR yOuR NeRdRaToR wIlL mYsTeRiOuSlY dIsSoLvE. bRiNg TeH pOe-KeY-mAnZ 2 oUr SeKrEt BaSs tEh PoWa PlAnT. dO iT fAsT. aNd DoNt TrY 2 fInD uS, oR eLsE. u WiLl NeVa FiNd LoCaTiOn 2 HoUr SeKrEt BaSs. HAHAHHAHA._

 _AnOnEeMuSlY,_

 _TEM ROCUT._

* * *

… _I have nothing further to say with regards to their intelligence levels. Rest assured, by the next episode, we will have the original narrator back._

 _Thank you once again for your everlasting impatience._

* * *

"For the love of god, Ash, will you please stop mopping around like this? It's been two _weeks_ already! GET OVER IT."

"Yeah dude, you're acting a bitch."

Ash continued to cut his wrists on Chikorita's razor sharp leaf, you know, the one on its head? I could never understand the concept of Chikorita's "razor leaf' attack…it's a fucking _leaf_ on its _head_. How fucking much could that possibly _hurt_? Grass pokemon are a joke, srsly. But anways, since the games say that the leaf is sharp, then it's pretty muthafucking sharp, and so Ash continued to use Chikorita's head to emo-ly (LOL EMO-LY, WTF) cut his wrists. All because his life sucked. And, in all fairness, Ash's life really _did_ suck. He was travelling all around Cantaloupe with a wannabe Asian, a flat chest prostitute, and a big, yellow rat. He had fugly stretch marks on his cheeks, his father was a half-monkey, half-human weirdo who liked dragon balls, and his mother was probably the biggest whore in all of Japan.

"Oh, _snap,"_ Brock winced, as if just realizing all the ways in which Ash's life really did suck,  
"your life really _does_ suck, bro…mah bad."

"Pfft," Misty stuck up her nose is disdain, "yeah, well that's what happens when you go around stealin' people's bikes and then breakin' them. Karma's a bitch."

Ash looked up in mid slice with a fierce glare. "No, Misty, you's a bitch. You's mom's a bitch, and so are you's sistas. And you's all be water diving prostitutes too. And the only reason you be the star of the show, is because you have an ironing board for a chest, which makes you the fastest swimmer. So stfu before I karma all over your ugly std face."

"…Oh, dry."

Misty redirected her glare from Ash to Brock and then proceeded to stomp into some random forest. Brock sighed, knowing that he should follow her before she stumbled upon some really nasty bug pokemon.

Ash could care less if they left…although, now he had no one to take out his "my life epically sucks" anger on. As if sensing his current dilemma, Pikachu obediently hopped onto Ash's shoulder, coming from out of nowhere. Ash glanced over at the fuzzy, yellow pokemon currently perched on his shoulder. Pikachu was his friend, his _mon ami_ , his _amico_ , his _amigo,_ his BFF. They were tight, yo, fo sho.

"…The fuck are you looking at, you rodent?"

Pikachu flinched as though it was just attacked by a vicious water pokemon. Oh wait, are electric pokemon weak against water pokemon? Or is it the other way around? Dammit, I can't remember…and I'm too lazy to Wikipedia that shit. Oh well, you get the point. Pikachu was hurt by his trainer's harsh and cold words, confusion lingering in its huge, sad eyes, agony welling up in the pit of its stomach.

"Yeah, you heard me. Oh, are you gonna cry now, Pikachu? Yeah, well they should call you Wah-wah-chu instead, huh. Or—or Pika-boo-who. Yeah, you nasty little rat…fucking useless pokemon. This is all your fault. If I hadn't protected you from those stupid Pidegy way back in Pallet Town, then I would have never befriended you. And then maybe I would have woken up and realized, hey! Being the greatest pokemon master is STUPID. I could have gotten a _real_ job, pimpin' ho's like Misty and shit. But NOOOOOOO, I had to be a POKEMON TRAINER. I had to travel across all the REGIONS. Well fuck this shit, and fuck you, you midget power outlet!"

Pikachu continued to stare at his trainer; no longer was their sadness or hurt in its eyes, no longer was their agony in the pit of its stomach. No…there was nothing but a fiery hatred. Ash saw the defiant look in his pokemon's eyes and his anger intensified (IT'S OVER 9000 LOLOLOL MEME).

"You got somn' to say to me, huh, punk? That's right; you _don't_ , because pokemon can't talk. So wipe that look off of your ugly face and just _take it—_

" _I swear to Mewtwo, if you don't shut your fucking pathetic mouth right now, I will shove my rodent foot so far up your ass, that I will literally skull fuck the_ _ **shit**_ _out of you."_

Ash: O_O.

Pikachu continued on relentlessly.

" _I've had to listen to you spew your endless bullshit for way too fucking long. And you know what, assface? I'm sick, and I'm tired. I'm_ _ **sick and tired of listening to it**_ _. Your life sucks, and your mom's a whore. And you know what, I'd screw her shitless too. And you would have to take it, because everyone knows_ _ **she would**_ _. So instead of being a gigantic vagina, why don't you just_ _ **deal with your shit, motherfucker.**_ "

Ash proceeded to shit bricks. During his shitting of bricks, he also fainted, due to the massive blood loss that was a result of his emoness at the beginning of this episode. At some point, Brock and Misty came back from the random forest and found Ash bleeding to death with Pikachu just watching. They took Ash to a poke-centre and put him on that machine that goes "do, do, dododo!" and heals pokemon magically. Yes, it works on humans too. Ash proceeded to shit more breaks when he woke up, and almost went insane. He told Brock and Misty about his talking Pikachu and all the very mean things it had said to him. Misty and Brock both laughed at Ash.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA, YOU FUCKING DUMB EMO KID."

Ash started pulling out his hair, glancing at his Pikachu in growing paranoia. "No, guys, seriously, you don't understand…"

"Ash," Brock put his hand suggestively on the younger boys shoulder, "everyone knows that Meowth is the only talking Pokemon. All the other pokemon can only voice their own names. I mean, it's cute and all, but I wouldn't actually call it talking…"

"But—"

"For fucks sakes, Ash! You probably hallucinated it all, you know, since you were massively bleeding because you're a massive dipshit?"

Ash frowned, but was oddly reassured. "Yeah… _yeah._ Yeah _that's it_ , I was just hallucinating! Yeah, of course you guys are right, pokemon can't talk… _man_ do I feel _dumb_!" Ash laughed uncontrollably at his sheer stupidity.

"Whatevs. Now hurry up, I'm hungry."

"Stfu, prostitute."

Brock sighed, "Here they go again…"

Misty and Brock went up ahead while scooped up Pikachu into his arms. The pokemon obediently hopped up on its trainer's shoulder. Ash flashed Pikachu with a relieved smile. "Ha, talking pokemon, if _if_! Right Pikachu?"

Ash turned his head back forward, and froze solid as two tiny paws gripped the side of his head. His breath quickened and his heart pounded against his chest. All colour left his face as he heard a sinister voice whisper menacingly in his ear."

" _If you ever,_ _ **ever**_ _, tell anyone about us ever again…I'll fucking kill you while you're sleeping."_

Ash proceeded to shit out all of his intestines.

* * *

 _Have you ever wondered about something you've seen in any of the episodes of Pokemon? If you have, leave your thoughts in your review, and I'll write a chapter based on it and dedicate it to you!_

 _And Yeah..._

 _Next Chapter!_

 _Yo, if there's no actual animals in the pokeworld...where do people get there meat from? LE GASP, ARE THEY POKECANNIBALS?_

 _As always, I thank you for reading my work._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Mr. Curiosity Bunny_


End file.
